


I Promised You Not to Write This

by Heyrrra



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Divorce, F/F, idk subtle falling out of love, mayhaps the process of it all
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:48:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26129056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heyrrra/pseuds/Heyrrra
Summary: “So this is a love confession.”
Relationships: Jennie Kim/Lalisa Manoban | Lisa
Comments: 49
Kudos: 85





	1. I. Tearing at the Seams

* * *

* * *

Jennie received her text just before work;  _ Can we talk? Later?  _ _ Paradou, 5 _ _. _ She’d been reading the same set of words since half past eight in the morning. She should’ve been at work by now, sitting by Jisoo, going through articles that needed the final revisions for next month's volume.

“Are you fine?” It's funny how Jennie can feel the worry and warmth through all this static from Jisoo’s voice. 

“Yeah, I’ll make it up to you tomorrow.”

“Nah, it’s fine Jendeukie… you take as much time as you need to.” 

Did her voice give her away again? 

“I gotta run, Wonwoo’s here.” 

Jennie hears the familiar click and the usual busy tone right after. She slumps into the seat, staring at the steam from the coffee puffing out collectively in the air before it disappears. She licks her bottom lip out of habit, out of the building panic inside her. 

She’s wearing Lisa’s favorite dress of hers, the lilac dress she bought off an obscure vintage shop when they were vacationing off Paris. She runs a hand over the fabric that’s pooling on the seat, smoothing any lumps and anything that seemed to look out of place. She wants to see Lisa’s eyes light up, wants to see her slow-building smile, her annoying little chuckle, and the way she’d lean in -- crossing her arms on the table top, slowly taking her time to reach out for her hand, right across. Hear her “You look beautiful.”, and the way her breath would hitch audibly. 

Jennie stares out into the street, tucked in their usual spot; remembering how they’d spend countless afternoons watching people, back when they had time to spare. There’s something different pulling at her inside, where it settles heavily. She can’t quite stop running her hands against the fabric of her dress, trying to at least steady the growing panic that’s been bubbling over at the thought of  _ it.  _ She takes a deep breath and tries to clasp her hands together to get them to stop and somehow get her mind off of whatever bullshit it was coming up with. She doesn’t know what to expect.  _ It’s been a while.  _ Nine weeks, four days and half an afternoon, to be more precise. It’s been quite a while.

“Hey.”

She sounds far away, like she isn’t really there and all Jennie sees is a figment of her imagination. Something she’s conjured out of intense longing. 

“Hey… I didn’t see you walk in?” 

“Yeah, uhhh you were quite preoccupied with the view outside.” Lisa answers back gently, her smile askew. “It’s uh, it’s hot out isn’t it?”

Jennie nods, waits.

Lisa takes the seat opposite her a little too gruffly, and Jennie knows she had another tiring day from work. Knows her too well, far too well; Jennie knows what she’ll say next, how she’ll say it wasn’t anybody’s fault and how she'll try to fix things because she wants everybody winning, wants everybody to be happy when she isn’t even happy herself. Or at least she thought she knew her that well. 

“Have you… have you been well today?”

Jennie smiles, Lisa was never great at hiding hesitance even though she’s great at hiding everything else. 

“Fine.” She catches Lisa's eyes on her dress, sees the recognition. Jennie feels her heart get caught in her throat. “You?” 

_ Tired. _

_ “ _ Tired... you… you look lovely.” 

It isn’t what she was hoping for. Her eyes don’t light up, she doesn’t chuckle, she doesn’t reach out. She looks away, she fumbles with her fingers and she tries to smile awkwardly. It breaks Jennie into pieces.

“Yeah, uh… thank you.”

“Here, I wanted to… no, I… I will need you to sign these.”

Lisa slides the folder over to her side of the table, and Jennie stares at it like it’s something foreign, something that doesn’t belong there.

“Lisa…” She starts, just like every other night or day the last months. She sees her wince and knows she’ll be cut off right here. 

“We’ve talked about this. We’ve decided this was for the best, didn’t we?” 

Jennie doesn’t answer, just stares at the papers filed neatly inside the folder. 

“Just sign them Jen…” 

It’s breaking her, and she wants to think it's breaking Lisa, too. Wants to think it pains her the same way it’s hurting her. That she was secretly dying inside like her… She takes her cup of coffee and cradles it in her hands, hoping they wouldn’t shake as much as she feared they would. She feels cold all over, and the artificial warmth isn’t helping. It’s beginning to taste a bit off, staler than it usually was and growing cold. Jennie keeps the cup nestled between both hands as she looks out of the café windows. 

_ Yup, cold.  _

She looks back at Lisa, sitting in front of her looking more and more indifferent. 

“Is that all?” Jennie whispers.

“Do you really want to get hurt that much?” Lisa whispers back, weariness dripping from each word

The words sting. More than they should, more than Jennie was supposed to allow them to. She wants to say no, say she’s tired, say she’s longing for nothing but her warmth and her hug and her words and her kisses and  _ her,  _ but she doesn’t. 

“I don’t want to make this difficult Jen..."

“Can’t we talk about it? We can… we--” What she’s doing now looks like a dying bird gasping for one last breath out of instinct.

“We’ve gone past that… I think. We don’t, we don’t even talk anymore.” 

She says it plainly, like there was nothing else but that truth that exists between them and Jennie wants to scream and throw things at her and hurt her like she’s hurting  _ her _ . Anything, anything right now to get her eyes to look at her with emotion. Empty, that’s all Jennie sees and it’s killing her. Sucking her into a blackhole where the pull was strong enough to kick her out of her own orbit. 

She doesn’t know how long she’s been sitting there looking at the paper, she figures it must’ve been quite a while because Lisa reaches out a little too impatiently and places the pen beside her idle hands.

Jennie doesn’t know which hurts more; knowing the truth or forcing herself to believe a lie. 

**Divorce Agreement**

She takes the pen and scribbles her signature. 

It takes less than two minutes for her to slide it back to Lisa, pick her bag up, look Lisa in the eyes and say the words she wished she had told her everyday.

“I love you.” 

Lisa looks back and smiles softly, a tinge of sadness in her eyes; 

“I loved you too.” 

* * *


	2. II. Drowning in Silence

* * *

* * *

_The sighs built up at the end of my words_

_They’re shouting at me_

_That your heart isn’t here right now_

https://youtu.be/37GkANTikEw

* * *

Her voice barely registers in the dark, it’s low– almost like a hum. “Work’s fine… it’s” Jennie sees her eyes flutter over to an empty space on the wall, as if it's the most interesting thing she’d seen today, “it’s the same as always. Nothing really new.” 

Jennie doesn’t answer, nodding along to show she hears her.

The kitchen is dark, and it makes everything a little more bearable. She can’t really remember how long she’d been waiting; at some point in the evening she knew she turned off the lights. Darkness has always had that uncanny way of drowning out the silence inside their house, and Jennie almost sighs at the thought that there has been a lot of that lately. _Silence._

“I told you I was running a little late.” Lisa tries again, pouring herself another drink and leaning against the kitchen counter. There’s something calculating in the way she swirls the alcohol in her glass, her words come out even and for a brief second it feels almost like an accusation. “I texted you at around five.”

Jennie winces inwardly as Lisa takes a long sip off of the brandy. Letting the glass linger a little longer against her lips as she steals a glance at Jennie. Her gaze is unsteady, and it makes Jennie smile out of a need to respond. 

“Yeah, I just…” Her voice starts out firm, like she’d spent hours practicing what to say and yet she hates how it trails off. It’s instinctual how her eyes dart to look at the floor, somehow she’d taken a liking for watching how deep the nails were buried into the oakwood. “I thought it wouldn’t be this late.” It was almost a whisper, nothing but a breath of air she’d been keeping inside her all evening but the message was clear. “Have you had dinner?” her voice picks up as she smiles, this time she looks away and fumbles with the cutlery laid out on the table between them. 

_Put your head on my shoulder_

_Hold me in your arms, baby_

She hears traces of the song she put on in the living room earlier that night, pieces of music drifting in and she tries to concentrate on that instead of the subtle sigh she hears from Lisa as she places her glass on the counter gracefully. 

_Squeeze me oh-so-tight_

_Show me that you love me too_

“I ate, yeah.” 

Jennie stops and looks at her from where she’s sitting. The shadows on her face make it difficult for Jennie to see, to draw out her features and trace where her nose dips and her bottom lip juts, and where one corner of her lips starts and where the other corner ends. She takes a painful intake of breath to steady the slow building panic in her chest that she’d been trying to ignore all night. 

Jennie doesn’t say anything in return. Lisa’s brief hesitance and downcast eyes say it all. Sometimes she wishes she didn’t know her too well, didn’t understand what the quick smile right after was trying to hide, and the impatient ticks her fingers were casually drumming on the countertop. The silence fills Jennie’s ears and it’s thick and heavy, only cut through by the muted music that drawls on from the other room. 

_Put your lips next to mine, dear_

_Won't you kiss me once, baby_

“Have you?” 

The question makes Jennie smile at nothing in particular. “No.”

“I can… stay for a bit while you eat.” 

She shakes her head in response, slow and deliberate. Not bothering to cover up the lopsided way her smile falters into something that’s skewed. She feels even more tired and sinks further into the seat.

Lisa nods, biting into her bottom lip. Jennie can’t see well but she knows Lisa’s thinking of something else to say so she cuts in instead; to keep them both from drifting away too much. “I’ll heat them up tomorrow and maybe we can have the steaks for breakfast?”

“Yeah, yeah I’d love that.” She answers hastily, it makes Jennie think that she’s trying to chase away the thoughts that are working their way inside Jennie’s head. “Let’s have breakfast together tomorrow.” Lisa smiles, partly at Jennie but mostly for herself. Drowning out the high pitch squeak that gives her lie away. 

_Just a kiss goodnight, maybe_

_You and I will fall in love_

Lisa runs her hands through her hair, and it brings a fleeting smile on Jennie’s own face. Both feel a little too automatic, a little practiced that Jennie doesn’t even bother to say yes back. Doesn’t even bother to meet her gaze. She thinks it’s irrational of her to try and look for something she’s sure isn’t there, hoping it comes back. Even if it’s just for tonight. 

“Hey…” Jennie hears her shuffle closer, her steps heavy on the floor. “I’m…”

“Hmm?” 

She keeps her gaze on Lisa’s hands that are gripping the top rail of the chair a little too forcefully, her voice taking on a firm lilt. “I’ll be staying at work for a couple more hours tomorrow.” 

It’s gradual, Jennie doesn’t even remember when it all started. It’s not like what they say, not even the least bit close. She doesn’t wake up to it all on her face one morning; it was the lack of smiles one morning, the lack of conversation before bed a couple of weeks after, and now she figures it’s more time at work and less time at home. 

“I’ll probably grab a quick dinner with Chaeyoung,” It’s the way she says it. Slow and steady, trying to get her point across. It’s when she doesn’t get a response back from Jennie that she sighs and speaks more firmly. “Don’t bother with dinner, okay?”

“What time…” 

“It’s going to take most of the night for me to finish up with that stupid project, I mean it Jen-Jen… don’t wait up for me.” 

_Put your head on my shoulder_

_Whisper in my ear, baby_

Lisa lets go, and takes a step back. Jennie’s name sticks rather uncomfortably in the air between them.

“Figured you’d want me to get to bed without waiting for you too?” Jennie can’t avoid the spite that leaks out.

Lisa takes her time, looking at her with an unseeming look of hurt that momentarily settles in her eyes before she looks away and nods. 

“That much of work huh?” 

The long, drawn out sigh that comes out of Lisa was enough of an answer, and she knows she should stop pushing by now. It never really ends on a good note anyways. 

“Fine.” she stops there. Not bothering to push Lisa with it. Jennie’s tired, too.

“You should get some sleep.” Lisa sneaks a glance and motions towards the direction of their bedroom, “I’ll uhh… freshen up and be right there.” 

Jennie takes her time to push herself away from the table, “Yeah. Sure.” She tries to meet Lisa’s gaze but it’s not there so she lingers a bit to take in her tired frame and the dull way her hair looked tonight from the reflection she sees on their kitchen window. “Don’t take too long.” She manages to say without whimpering. “I won’t be sleeping until you come. Not tonight, at least.”

Lisa nods once.

Jennie smiles at her own reflection, waiting a beat before walking away, knowing Lisa won’t look back.

_Words I want to hear_

_Tell me, tell me that you love me too_

* * *

She’d been reading the same line over and over, deciding it’s best to keep herself busy while waiting. Even if she doesn’t comprehend a single thing off of the book, and the strain on her eyes from trying to make an effort out of it under dim lights. Jennie hears the light footsteps first before everything else and sees the light shivers that make her sit up straighter against the headboard. 

“You’re shivering.” she says softly, careful not to scare her away.

“Yeah.” She has a towel wrapped around her hair, drying it out and being careful not to let it drip on the carpet. “The water went cold the last few minutes.” The answer comes out a little too tight, her teeth chattering. 

“Shit. Must have been the boiler again.” Jennie tries not to sound accusatory in tone, throwing the book into the covers somewhere to jolt up from bed and make a step forward. “You should've called me.” Her voice drops, hand reaching out instinctively to run across Lisa’s arms to warm her. 

Lisa doesn’t budge, allowing Jennie to run her hands up and down the length of her arms. She looks away, eyes darting from one end of the bedroom to the other, jaw clenched. She gently pulls away by taking a step back. 

“I need to dry this mess.” She gives Jennie an apologetic smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. 

“Let me…” Jennie takes a step forward to reach out but Lisa shakes her head. 

“I got it.”

"You were working till late. I was home all day. Let me."

Lisa looks back at her briefly, a quick glance before Jennie works on massaging the towel on her hair to help it dry. There's something covert in her smile, falling away awkward and hollow. For a moment, it feels rather forced. Jennie tries to brush it off as hesitance at the sudden warmth between them, even if it sets most of the alarms inside her head ringing.

Her fingers work slowly, combing out the tangles in Lisa’s hair. A contented sigh comes out of Lisa's lips and she works her way up to massage Lisa’s scalp, running her fingers carefully again and again. The smell of Lisa’s shampoo fills in her lungs, and it's all too much at once that she breaks her gaze away from her hair and settles it on the vanity mirror. Watching Lisa close her eyes, tilt her head closer. She takes her time watching, as the expression on Lisa’s face changes slightly to that of muted amusement, a hint of a contented smile on her face before she opens her eyes and meets Jennie’s gaze on the mirror. And it's there that Jennie's smile falters. 

It's funny how subtle Lisa averts her gaze and how Jennie catches on, and she's trying to keep up with something that's moving farther and farther. 

"Let's go to bed, I need to get up early." 

It's clipped, designed to make her nod in agreement. Who was she kidding, it's to make her stop. 

She keeps the disappointment to herself, nodding along because she knows Lisa has a point and who was she to keep her there. She trails a finger on Lisa's shoulder, hiding behind a mask she'd perfected, pulling on Lisa's arms towards the direction of their bed. 

She had always been practical. Even in moments like these, she likes to think it's practicality that's pushing her to lean against Lisa's warmth. And it's the same practicality that's keeping her there, undone and listless. Bundling up closer, fingers doing their muscle memory, fleeting over warm skin that's peeking under Lisa's shirt. 

"Goodnight." 

It's whispered in one breath and it hangs above her head.

"Goodnight Lisa." She moves to plant a quick kiss on Lisa's cheek and gets a small smile in return. Jennie doesn't think about how there's not enough warmth with so little distance between them. 

It takes a while for the silence to settle. Jennie keeps still, face buried in the crook of Lisa's neck where she feels safest. There's the urge to draw circles and shapes, to play with the warm skin that's inviting under her touch, but she doesn't. Opting to listen to Lisa's breathing. It's slow and heavy. Measured in a way that's lulling her to sleep. 

She feels the bed sink, and it doesn't really register at first. Lisa's touch feels heavy on her wrist, burning even; leaving her confused when her hand is shrugged away softly. It's gentle and not at the same time. She feels the knot in the bottom of her gut tighten the moment she hears it. Deep and heavy, like she's holding on to it for _so_ long. Jennie doesn't hear anything else, only the sigh that grows tired the more it’s let out, the stillness that she's growing to hate, and the growing screams inside her head wishing she didn't look closely. 

Lisa hates how intrusive the silence can get at night. How disturbingly deafening it can be, broken into a silly pattern punctuated with breathing. She keeps still, not having the heart to push her away when she's snuggled in so close. It's… weird how it's beginning to grow uncomfortable, gradually. Having her close like this. Lisa listens for a bit, waiting for her breaths to even out and soften into sleep. It's when she's sure, that she carefully detaches herself from Jennie's embrace. It isn't enough but there's a hint of space between them that makes her breathe. She draws out the exhaustion inside her, and for a second the sigh that comes out feels foreign and intimate at the same time. She's careful not to stir, taking in another deep breath and letting it out slowly. Allowing it to take the weariness that’s been seeping in in every part of her to leak out and after staring at the ceiling blankly for what seems to be ages, she closes her eyes momentarily. _Why?_ Is all she'll allow to ask herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone's having a nice day :).
> 
> Here's a new one, let me know if you guys want the other chap soon and maybe I can post one later ;D
> 
> Staaay saaafe <3


	3. III. Wrung Out

<https://youtu.be/W5fl451CWDY>

* * *

* * *

“Are you home?” Jennie’s careful not to let the phone slip, keeping it in place while she works her way against the crowd.

“Yea, I just got here a lil bit ago.”

It doesn’t take long for Lisa’s clipped answer, it’s enough to make her stop and stare ahead. Not really seeing anything, just dead set on trying to understand and sort of unhear the flat tone in Lisa’s voice. She’s worried it’s becoming quite a habit now. All the  _ unhearing and unseeing.  _

“What’re you up to?” Jennie tries again, smiling into the phone and hoping it leaks into her voice. 

“Nothing.”

_ Silence _ . 

Jennie would be lying if she said she didn’t expect that, drawn out between them even through the phone. It’s pronounced and it takes Jennie off rhythm for a second. Almost walking into a dog and its owner who didn’t look the least bit pleased at her mouthed ‘sorry.’

“When are you getting here?”

It’s subtle, a slight uptick in her voice that draws Jennie back to where she is. Somehow it makes Jennie wonder if she ever cared to know or if it was more of a formality at this point.

“I’ll be there in like 7.”

“Okay.” Lisa says a little too breathy that it crackles.

It comes to her out of the blue, the want to ask if everything’s okay. With her, with them or just the thought of knowing. It’s simple really, that’s what they say and for a long time that’s what she believed in too... only it isn’t.

“Okay.”

The sigh was soft, almost unnoticeable.  _ Almost.  _

* * *

“I’m home!” Jennie’s announcement echoes out, while she’s dropping her keys into the glass cup they keep by the door. 

“Hi.”

The answer comes immediately and Jennie wonders why Lisa’s voice feels out of place, like a tightly wrung out piece of cloth that’s waiting to snap.

“Hey, whatchu doin?” she’s a bit breathless and sweaty, the entire house feels cooler and it’s a brief welcome relief that Jennie is thankful for. 

“Sittin.” Lisa’s by the sofa, and it's something Jennie hasn’t seen in quite some time that it alone keeps her in place, tracing her features, almost like she’s taking in everything she sees in one breath. As if it’ll keep Lisa there. “Got time for a talk?” Even before, it was always something she loved doing —looking and it’s why she doesn’t miss on how Lisa breathes out deeply all the while looking at her.

“Huh.” It takes some time for the question to register. Jennie is startled by it and wonders how long ago it was that they’ve had something similar happen. Just  _ talking.  _ “Sure. What's up?”

“I wanna talk.” Lisa says it with conviction that moves Jennie in autopilot, her sitting on the edge of the sofa, and keeping a modest distance between them two. 

“Okay... Yeah of course. What's wrong?”

“I— uhm…”

Lisa breathes out the same time she averts her gaze over to the coffee table. There’s something hesitant in the way it comes out, shaky and for the first time in weeks her brow is furrowed. Jennie thinks it would’ve looked adorable if it wasn’t so tense. She opens her mouth in an attempt to speak and gives up with a sigh looking at Jennie for help. Not knowing where to start. Jennie holds Lisa’s gaze and nods. An open invitation to try and somehow Lisa manages to blurt out, “I don't know, I just feel like, you know. Uhm, things have been tense and stuff. Uhm, so just wanted to get it out, you know.”

“Yeah. Yea, talk to me.” Jennie knows it wasn’t a question but she nods along to guide her anyways.

“I've just been thinking…, and I feel like we've been trying real hard to like, make it work.” Lisa says things slowly, like it’s rehearsed and yet she’s stumbling over words, “And it's just, like, you know, not working, and… I feel like at this point there's just like, uhm, not much we can do about it.”

It’s hard for her to follow along, conflicted and confused are more accurate words to live by right now if she’s given the chance to explain. She knows what Lisa’s talking about, she’s not  _ that  _ utterly clueless ...but she’s not going to nod along to feed her with the notion that she agrees with the  _ not much we can do about it  _ part and she sure as hell disagrees with the  _ we’ve been trying real hard  _ part of it all, because she feels like it’s only her that’s been trying so far. It’s unfair. The whole notion of it, but she sits through and stares at her while she continues, making sure Lisa knows she’s listening. 

“Gee, I just— because I just don't feel like— gahh!” Jennie flinches at the sudden outburst and Lisa’s habit of flailing her arms out in the air to showcase her point, “like I’m stressed out, okay? I just don't feel like it's working and I don't wanna like wast— look…” her voice dropping an octave that it almost feels rather intimate in tone. Jennie’s still holding her gaze. “I'm still young— we both are still so young, and I don't wanna like waste all this time, you know, like trying to make things work and I just think that—”

Jennie shakes her head, a little too forcefully.  _ No, she doesn’t agree with any of this at all.  _ She doesn’t want to look into Lisa’s eyes, doesn’t want to see whatever emotion is lurking beneath the honey brown that used to be so warm and giving so she shifts to the brown of the oakwood floors and tries to draw out any sense of warmth from the house. She's mildly aware of the stupid way she’s balling her hands and the awful way her knuckles are turning white from the force. It’s enough to get her to look back up and meet Lisa’s eyes. 

“—You’re stressing me out.” Lisa doesn’t take the effort to hide the indifference in her voice. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t wanna stress you out.” Jennie reaches out, a tentative touch on her knee that’s meant to soothe. 

“I’m—” there’s something in the way this all is going that makes her falter, her hand staying gently over Lisa’s thigh for a  _ beat, “ _ glad that you’re talking to me. About this. I appreciate you talking to me. I just feel like you’re maybe being a bit hasty about thinking there’s nothing we can do about it.”

Lisa looks at her, briefly… before she looks away again, her gaze shifting from one point of the living room to the other. Never really staying on one spot for longer than two beats. It’s what gives her away. 

“In fact, I think we haven’t even tried our best— you know,  _ together _ , to make it work—” Jennie says softly, like it’s made of glass – maybe it is. 

“See that’s the thing, I don’t wanna try out anything anymore. Like I’m—” Lisa’s hand reaches out, but she stops herself midway, there’s a slight shiver that makes her frown. Somehow, she’s finding it hard to piece together what she wants to say, except she thought she’d known what she had to say just before Jennie came in. “I’m just not happy anymore, okay?” and it’s painful really, how she’s being gentle with her tone, almost as if she’d given up on talking entirely and decided to whisper. “I just feel like maybeifwecouldsplitand…” Jennie hates how her mind’s focusing on everything and nothing at the same time.

“For real?”

“Yeah! Yea, I just don’t wanna keep working anymore, and I just feel like if we’d split then I’d be like, able, to like, feel ha— not to feel like this cause at this point I feel like we’re doing it down the road...” there’s a brief pause, before she whispers, “Eventually.” She adds in hastily like it’s some kind of an afterthought, only Jennie knows it isn’t.

“Do you really think it’s nothing that we can work on? Nothing you want to build on?” Jennie’s not sure she’s hearing her own voice anymore. 

“I feel like we should split. Then maybe it’d be better like that.”

“You really…  _ really  _ want that?” it’s comical how her voice is beginning to break and Lisa’s own is becoming firmer. 

“Yea, I— I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and I just feel like it’s the best option right now.”

“Okay... uhh, you mean like for some time? I could move out and give you some space—” She takes her hand away, suddenly feeling like it’s doing nothing at all to help except to make things heavier. Jennie looks at her expectantly, and it’s the way she answers immediately that makes everything worse.

“No, I don’t know. I’m like talking about— I think we should just get a divorce.”

Jennie’s hit by a truck at this point… all her fears are incarnated and animated into words that imply actions now that will change the whole course of her life, she feels like she’s been run over by a bulldozer trashing its surroundings with ultra hot shock waves that prickle her skin right now. She sinks into the arm of the sofa and for a minute loses her voice.

“You wanna get a—” She’s hopelessly confused, “you wanna do _ that _ ?” She hates it when her voice hitches into a whine, but can’t stop it from leaking.

“Yeah.” Lisa mumbles under her breath. “I just don’t feel happy anymore. ...I think it’s best for now. Don’t you feel the same?” There’s a hitch to her voice and Lisa’s trying not to lose her composure and cry.

“No!” She blurts out a little too immediately, maybe with a bit of force too, because when you’re desperate there’s no other way but to be forceful to get your point across. 

It’s the way Lisa says it, like there’s nothing else but  _ it.  _ Everything’s just beginning to catch up to her; words she’s hearing over and over again…  _ i'm not happy, it’s for the best, there’s no other option.  _ It’s words like these that make everything feel more and more real like they’re there. At the end, when they shouldn’t be, right? It doesn’t make sense inside Jennie’s head.

“I’m sorry… I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, I just think it’d be best.”

Jennie’s crying and sniffing silently by now… Lisa’s sitting there, not really meeting her gaze and Jennie’s holding on to that, to that thought that maybe, maybe she’s hesitant. Yet she hates how calm Lisa’s being right now, even if she doesn’t look like it. 

“I want you to be happy?~” She wants to reach out again, bridge that stupid distance between them. “You don’t think there’s a scenario in which you’re... happy with me?”

“At this point I just feel like I’d be better off if I was like, alone.” There’s a gentleness in which she speaks, and Jennie doesn’t know if that means good or bad or worse.

“You don’t wanna—” her breath’s hitching and it’s almost physically painful for her to get the words out “Think about this? Because it’s quite—”

Nothing’s making sense. 

“I have thought about it. I have thought about it all year now.” Jennie’s knocked down with the timeline once again like she’s overrun by everything ugly.

“I’ve been thinking about it longer—” Lisa continues and Jennie honestly doesn’t have the resolve to even listen through to what she has to say by now. “And why are you pretending that you’re okay with this? Like I see that you’re not happy either? I don’t wanna make you—”

Jennie figures it’s hearing it from her that undones her, the  _ truth. _

“My heart is beating so fast.”

“Jennie please. Dang it! Fuck!”

“No, can we like, talk about this later? Like I need to be alone now.”

She doesn’t wait for Lisa, for what she has to say, or to see if she’ll call out to her to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone up for chapter 4? :)


	4. IV. Defenseless

* * *

* * *

Lisa is spaced out when the clicking of the  bathroom door brings her senses back into the present. Her immediate reaction is to jump off the seat and run toward the sound. She calls out her name which stays hanging heavily in the barely lit corridor. She notices the bedroom door isn't locked when the wind or perhaps her call out for Jennie swing it slightly ajar. Her brain is hesitant but her steps are quick to bring her closer to the doorframe where she hides half of her body behind the wall, resting her strangely shaking hand on the frame while peeking inside the room. All she sees: a small curled up body on the bed that's shaking.

"Jen?" she whispers, and it's not clear whether Kuma would catch it if he were there either. She feels like knocking on the door because the lines of personal space have been blurred by now, and so she does that.

"Jen, may I come in?" This one Kuma would definitely not catch even if he were hanging around right next by. She doesn't even expect an answer to be honest, so she's not too surprised when nothing breaks the silence in the air mixed with occasional hitches of breath. 

She gets inside, tip toeing like a thief in her own room, shoulders tense while eyes fixated on her. It doesn't quite register in her brain why she's feeling guilty right now. She reaches the bed and the moment she catches Jennie's round welled up eyes glistening into her gaze while she's sobbing, squirming on the edge of the bed, her body tells her to kneel down. Something around the left side of her body falls heavy, and if she weren't too confused she'd guess it was her heart.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry…” Her voice is doing weird things. She had thought she was feeling sure of herself and her decisions, but she can kind of hear it breaking if she looks at herself outside of her own body. 

Jennie's eyes are just glued to her and, despite her whole body shaking, her gaze doesn't break away from Lisa's. That undones Lisa. “I'm an asshole. I'm an asshole.” She repeats in quick hushed whispers. Reaching out to her, and trying to make her sit on the bed, her own hand fumbling in darkness to hold her fragile spine, the other squeezing her hand.

"Jennie, please." She might want to feel least bit happy again above everything else, but she can't resist a crying Jennie, that's kind of an instinct after all the years.

"Baby, please. I'm so sorry. I fucked up, please. Sorry." Jennie feels like she's hallucinating the moment she notices a glint of spark in her eyes again; an old, forgotten thing. She probably convinces herself she was being indeed delusional yet again, but the moment Lisa drags her weightless body down onto her lap, and spreads her arms around her waist and rests her head on her tummy, she wants to forget that hallucinations exist.

It's as if she's trying to ground her, and it's as if it's working, but not really, because Jennie won't stop crying. She won't stop crying but her arms sprawl around Lisa's neck so tightly, as if she's really trying her best to be grounded somehow. Her messy hair now covering Lisa's face on the side, is muting her sense of smell, muting  _ her  _ really.

She’s barely managed to calm down, but her voice is gone now. It's the weirdest of things, cause she didn't even say a word. She wants to ask a million questions now, sniffing into Lisa's neck where she always used to find her comfort. Jaded really, although back to bed, she wants to ask _ "Have you really unloved me?" "How did you do that?" _ she wants to ask. _ "You didn't mean to say that, did you?" "What happened, where did it go wrong?" _ she wants to ask desperately, except she doesn't. For all the questions hanging in the air, she's lost her voice. She loses her wakefulness in the reign of exhaustion too after some time and gives in to sleep, except Lisa's lying next to her -- a small, defenseless Jennie in her arms -- wide awake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, chap 4 as promised. So I'm really into this fic these days and I'm very interested in how you guys feel about it. Is reading about falling out weird? Awkward? Unsatisfying? Painful? Not as interesting? Should I get going with this? Please let me know, I really really wanna hear y'allses feedback about this.
> 
> Have an awesome weekend ahead :D


	5. V. This is What a Period in a Story Feels Like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why is it so hard to walk away from a place where there's no longer love? Is it the possibility or hope that things will change?

https://youtu.be/91kXSOu8bOo

* * *

* * *

It’s like heartburn, like epigastric pain creeping up from the pit of her stomach all the way up to her chest. She didn’t come home last night. She didn’t come home…

She keeps staring at the shadows on the ceiling, counting them one by one and hoping it’ll get lighter. The silence from the house doesn’t really help but amplify the thoughts that keep coming back, because who was she kidding? She can’t really _not_ think about Lisa at this point. That’s all she ever thinks about when she’s not busy trying to distract herself with work. With anything. _Her._

_Lisa. Lisa. Lisa._

It’s well past midnight. She turns away from staring at the ceiling and buries her face into the pillows on Lisa’s side of the bed. It’s cold and empty, her scent no longer there. For a minute she hesitates at the thought but it’s in her nature to give in eventually when it comes to Lisa even if it’s something she hates admitting to herself, so she gives in to the simple pleasure of running her hands along the sheets, across the space where she knows Lisa would’ve taken up. She feels like moving, getting up, doing something, moving, removing herself from whatever this swampy feeling is, but her body doesn’t seem to coordinate with her thoughts, and her wants, and her needs. She pushes herself up and drags her feet downstairs. Her vision is blurred and out of place for some reason, she thinks she needs to pull her shit together. Maybe she could do the dishes in the meanwhile or something.

* * *

She jerked awake either from a nightmare, she can’t recall, or from the ringing of her phone a little past dawn to realize she’d fallen asleep on the floor next to the couch and wince at the pain in the muscles of her neck. She reaches for a pillow and rests her head on it, shutting her eyes a little too forcefully, hoping that it’s enough to get her to forget about the phone call that morning. Not that it’s something she’s not used to by now.

_“Yeah, I uh... fell asleep on my desk last night.”_

_Her voice sounded a little too gruff, and Jennie thinks it’s because she just woke up._

_“Oh, are you...are you fine?”_

_“Yeah, I’m...I’m fine…look, I’ll go grab breakfast in a bit.” she says the last word with a bit of bite that cuts off whatever it was Jennie was about to say._

She added she’d probably be late today, too. Again. _It_ pushes onto the heaviness in her chest that makes every breath she lets out end up coming out as a sigh, the _thought_ that she’s getting used to it. The air’s suffocating, and the more she breathes the more she feels sucked into and exhausted. Maybe she shouldn’t breathe at all.

 _“Don’t bother waiting.” “Don’t bother waiting.” “Don’t bother waiting….”_ is all that echoes in her head. It’s a good idea to bake.

She goes for the kitchen and straight for the overhead cabinets where they keep most of the ingredients. It's automatic, how her body moves without much thinking and how she manages to take everything there on to the kitchen counter. 

It comes to her naturally, and she goes through the mundane notions of baking on autopilot. She’s done this countless times before. The steady routine, the idea ...that she knows what needs to be done, or what happens next, and that in this there are no surprises. It’s that _thought_ that grounds her. That she has full control over something, or does she... really? 

There’s a lot of things she can’t understand right now, and she hates how everything just seems to weigh down on her. She wasn’t stupid, but a huge part of her seems to think that way because how can she go through all of this? She’s been going through day to day to day living like she’s not really there at all, because how can you be, when a huge part of yourself is missing? When there’s just too much inside that sometimes she wonders why can’t she be enough? She doesn’t really realize soon enough how she’s kneading the dough a little too roughly. How in this state, time doesn’t seem to flow in the way it should and the next thing she knows she has mounds of cookies everywhere and that she’s crying and she doesn’t even know why. Or maybe… maybe she knows, or she– She really doesn’t want to know. She’s spreading flour all over and she’s wiping at her face with her arms and she’s just so _tired._

She’s distracted by the rather loud noise of the key bunch and the door being thrown open. Lisa spares her a fleeting glance and utters an inaudible _“Hey”_ while removing her steps away toward the bedroom and Jennie sinks deeper, and deeper until she’s physically sinking too. Then Lisa’s startled by her loud squeak as the tray burns her finger.

“What even...” She sprints ahead, unamused and irritated, throwing her bag somewhere on top of the cookies, and inspecting Jennie’s finger. The touch is weird, _foreign_ if Jennie weren’t too afraid of the word. 

“Oh my god, Jennie, where’s your mind,” she says casually, taking the ring off her finger like an omen to the future, rummaging the cabinets for the ointment.

“Does it hurt?” _Yes_ comes off immediately; not a reply to what Lisa meant.

“Gosh, let’s hold it under water—” she drags her hand under the tap a little too hastily.

“It’s okay—”  
  
“It’s not okay.” 

Are they talking about something else?

Lisa stops in her tracks after doing her thing with the bandaging, while her eyes wander from the pile of cookies on the kitchen counter to her pained face, and kind of stays there for a second. She has this mundane expression on her face that pains Jennie even further. She announces she’s tired and is gonna take a shower then work some more.

Jennie stays there, unmoving, eyes on Lisa's back, silently asking for her to stay. Something shaky falls off from her lips and she's biting off another wave of tears that are clouding her vision. Her voice comes out a quiver and she’s uttering something incoherent, what might’ve been words tumbling out one after the other before she tries to take it back with a sharp intake of breath. 

It could've been a couple of minutes or more, she's not sure. She knows the cookies have gone cold by now and the burn on her finger was stinging the more she picked on the edges of the bandage wrapped around it. She chanced a glance up at the hallway, not really bothering to keep the sigh from escaping anymore. Knowing she's probably not going to see her soon. 

Her steps are heavy and silent on the carpeted floors. Slow, dragged steps that are tentative because a huge part of her wants to, and yet deep down there’s that stupid fear that pulls on her not to. To just stay there in the kitchen and for once just leave Lisa be, but she’s stubborn and when has she ever given up on this? 

She hears whispers on the other side of their bedroom door and the lights were kept low. It almost feels as if Lisa’s hiding and maybe she is? Maybe she’s just too tired too. Jennie peeks through the cracks of the door and sees Lisa’s hunched up frame. Jennie doesn’t miss the look of weariness that’s there. She knows, she always knows. She knows Lisa more than she knows herself and wonders how maybe that’s a bad thing. Because right now, despite how she’s tired, she sees something else in Lisa’s eyes that’s never been there in months. 

It’s like tearing a page off a book, it’s .. it’s something Jennie doesn’t have the words to, because how can you describe something that breaks you into pieces? It’s suffocating, how she’s drowning internally and how no matter how hard she tries to even out her breathing it doesn’t help. It doesn’t. She takes a step back and hits her arm against the edge of a wall table and it’s jarring how she doesn’t even flinch at the impact. There’s a small smile on Lisa’s face that she hasn’t seen in so long. The softness of it is made more pronounced by the light from her phone and it’s more than enough to throw Jennie’s whole world off kilter.

She just turns around and heads back downstairs. They have tequila in the cabinet. Now’s a good time.

* * *

It looks like she pushes the alcohol out of her system through her eyes by now. They stream and stream and don’t seem to stop anytime soon and the sight of the cookies in front of her just seems to make it worse and worse, and worse. With one swift move of her hand, the cookie mound lands in the trash can. She stands there, in the middle of the kitchen, looking at the mess. The mess around her and the mess inside. Her thoughts are overpouring by now and so takes her coat and slams the door behind her.

* * *

It’s been about two hours now, and Lisa feels dehydrated. The thought of getting up from the bed and walking all the way to the kitchen for a glass of water seems to be the universe’s worst design. It’s only when the water’s pouring into her glass that she notices something odd around her. She’s never seen the place so messy. Oh, and Jennie’s nowhere to be found? Not on the couch reading? Not dusting the place? Not cooking something? Not pulling the curtains together? Not switching the lights off? That’s very odd, too. She decides on calling after checking the bathroom but only gets the dull tone of the static. Maybe she went for an evening walk to get some fresh air… She usually tells her though, or at least leaves a note on the fridge? Wait, is there a note? There isn’t. Maybe she forgot. Maybe she really needed that time alone for herself. She convinces herself and goes about her business. It’s another half an hour later that she tries to give it another shot. No reply. Is this when she should get worried? Her thoughts don’t coordinate. Jennie’s an adult tho. She can go out and do whatever she wants? The bed upstairs doesn’t seem comfortable for work anymore. So she shifts to the kitchen counter: the closest to the door. And work doesn’t seem to go that well either, but she tries her best. She’s almost as if pulled out of her trance when the phone rings.

“Lisa?”

“Yeah, who is it?”

“It’s Wendy, erm, I work at _Midnight Delights_?”

“Oh. Yeah, hi Wendy, how’s it going at the bar?”

“Uhm, it’s going fine? Lisa? I got your number from the list of best customers…”  
  
“Yeah?” 

“Yeah, anyway. Jennie’s here—”  
  
“Oh god, I was getting worried already... Did she come to give away cookies or what...” she forces a chuckle, all annoyed.   
  
“No, not at all. She’s completely out of it by now. I thought I should call cause it doesn’t seem right at all… Weren’t you her wife or somethi — ”   
  
“What do you mean?” Her eyes suddenly register the open bottle of alcohol right next to her.   
  
“I mean I’d say she’s trashed but it looks worse? She’s all red in the face, and swollen, and has a hard time breathing? I asked Irene to sit by he—”

“What did she drink.”

“Uhm, I think wine mostly? And some—”

“Oh my god, she what?”  
  
 _Beat_ .   
  
“She’s sulfite intolerant, Wendy, please stay by her, I’ll be there in ten.”

Oh, _fuck_ . _Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. Why would she even— fuck. Oh gosh the pills, where the fuck are the pills. Where’s the key. Oh fuck. Whatever._

She leaves the door open for this one.

* * *

Her eyes go round with shock when she catches her at the farther corner, away from the crowds. She’s never seen her like this, in what, 5 years time? Since the moment they’ve found out about it. Jennie was always mindful about how dangerous this could get. She manages to yank herself from stupor and gets the pills ready.

“What even, Jennie. What’s wrong with you?” she focuses on her eyes for a second, she really wants to understand. “Irene, water please.”

“Oh? Lisa’s here. You came after me? How did you know I was here” She’s completely out of it, as she was told.  
  
“Are you for real? You don’t even like to drink.”

“You remember what I like and what I don’t?”

“I’ll leave you guys alone I guess…”  
  
“No, thanks for taking care of her, Irene, I really appreciate it. Tell that to Wendy too. We’ll go now, sorry for the... The whole thing.”

“Are you sure she’s gonna be fine?”  
  
“Yeah, no. I mean she won’t be fine instantly, but the pills will help. She shouldn’t have—”

“Take care of her.” With that, she leaves.  
  
“No.”   
  
“What no?”   
  
“I won’t be fine.” She smiles “I won’t be fine at all, Lisa.”

“It’s okay, let’s go now.” She manages to help her out through the crowd, but she stops in her place.

“I really won’t be fine, Lisa.” She’s still smiling but her voice is broken and for a moment, Lisa feels like something has just crashed into tiny little sharp particles inside her as well and it’s cutting her within, like she’s bleeding internally.

There's a dead silence between them, while they're standing there, in the dancing crowd and they're just looking at each other. There’s discord in Lisa’s head. She doesn’t seem to grasp anything. She grabs her hand _"let's go"_ and Jennie squeaks in pain at the burnt finger.

“Oh shoot I'm so— You’ll be fine, I’m so sor—”

Jennie doesn’t know what demon pushes her up to it. She’ll forever hate that demon for the rest of her life, it’s what she knows to be a constant. But that's where she kisses her.

A lonely tear escapes her swollen eyes while she's still at it. She lingers a bit, to make sure. Then she crashes against her, hiding her face away, arms tightly holding on to Lisa’s neck. This is what a period in a story feels like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slowly getting the hang of a better update schedule uwu. (Hope I stick to it and not let myself be won over by procrastinating, yanno?)
> 
> How is everyone doing? 
> 
> I'm a bundle of nerves 😂... 
> 
> Hope everyone is safe. Looking forward to the weekend and hope everyone has an awesome one ahead!


	6. VI.

* * *

* * *

The first thing she sees are green spots against black, and it takes a while for her vision to adjust in the darkness; a couple of seconds more before she sees and traces moonlight on Lisa’s skin beside her, and there’s a deep seated urge to want to reach out and trace it with her fingers, to try and see how warm her skin feels but she doesn’t. She can see Lisa’s still asleep; she breaths in a steady rhythm that Jennie finds rather entrancing. Everything comes crashing back, and it hits her bit by bit. Like slow, trickling water building up inside her. It’s unfamiliar, how detached she feels from everything else except for that feeling, like she’s there but not really there and the heaviness that she’d come to familiarize herself with was giving her new sensations that made the room stuffy. She glances back at Lisa and tries to find anything that could pull her from drowning. Warmth, comfort, anything at this point to get it to stop. Lisa almost stirs, breath hitching before it steadies back into the same steady rhythm. Jennie almost reaches out and buries herself into her warmth. She turns away briefly, forcing to close her eyes and maybe, that way, she’d get to go back to sleep again.

It’s so odd. The feeling of opening her eyes and feeling her right by. She feels worse gathering that it’s because Lisa feels responsible or maybe guilty, that’s why she’s taking care of her right now; anything but in love. She wants to use the moment to really look at her, to admire her face from up close after a long while. It makes her cry. Everything makes her cry lately.

She silently moves toward her for a better view. Lisa’s looking away even in her sleep. How ironic. The silver moonlight seeping through the window frame reflects on her jawline and it’s heartbreaking to see her in all her glory like that. And be helpless.

_I won’t tell you how weak you make me feel. Won’t tell you how much you mean to me… I will not tell you I love you, Lisa. After everything we haven’t told each other, my feelings are redundant... I won’t whine. Won’t complain. I won’t insist on anything. I won’t force you to stay even if your going means you’re taking my life away with you. I won’t ask to give it back; I’ll at least have something mine with you. It’ll make me feel connected. I won’t tell you you’ve dug a hole in my heart. Won’t make you feel guilty. Because you aren’t. And it honestly hurts deeper than it would have, if you were. I’ll make this easy for us— for you. Won’t tell you I wrote letters for you for when we’re old and retired. Won’t tell you I wanted to raise kids with you. I won’t. I promise._

Her hands are trembling but she’s thinking, “I got this.” She leans on further, knowing how to do this as she knows her name is Jennie Kim. Knows what angle won’t wake her up, so she goes for it gently, as if she’s holding glass. And she stops time for a moment and stays there, with her lips ghosting under Lisa’s ear for one last time; lingers, commits to memory. And she lets go.

Something in the night violates the rules of silence, and her plans crash the moment she finds herself hitching from no air. As loud to wake her up.

“Jen?” It’s dark all around and only the contour of her startled body and the shadow of it on the wall across are visible in it. She prays to all gods that Lisa doesn’t think of turning on the nightlight. But the gods aren’t on her side recently. Who is she kidding, they haven’t been listening for a very long time now. Especially tonight, since the light comes on before she manages to finish her desperate prayer.

“Oh my god, what’s wrong?” Her hands find Jennie’s face and it’s as if fire touching ice.

“Is this sweat or tears? Oh my goodness, you’re shivering Jennie, say something.”  
  
“I feel sick.” She really does.  
  
“Of course you do… after everything— I’m calling Doc—”

“No need.”  
  
“What, are you insane? Look at your face! I’m ca—”

“No, Lisa, we just came back from there, didn’t we. They said I was gonna be fine. Don’t worry, it’ll go away.”

“What if—”  
  
“It’s fine really. I promise.”

“Are you— sure?” She nods persistently, although that makes her head swim real bad. She wants to scream, _“Can you hold me? For one last time?”_ Yet she doesn’t.

“Come here.” Lisa offers her arms, and gods are being utterly cruel to her tonight, and she could be screwed but she’ll take it. How can she not.

With time, she manages to calm her nerves and stop sobbing and shivering in Lisa’s embrace.

* * *

It’s as if after a year-long slumber when her eyelids give in to light that morning. She really hopes when she fully opens her eyes and looks Lisa’s way, she won’t be there. It’ll make things easier. She’s never been there for she doesn’t even remember how long in the mornings. So she won’t feel bad or anything. It’ll be the _easy_ she’d planned for. Except Lisa’s right there, and already awake, so she has nowhere to run.

“How’re you feeling?”

“Better.”

“Tell me the truth.” This catches her off guard really. She’s about to start stuttering—  
  
“You have a heavy breath, I can see that, you know?”

“My head hurts a bit. And I feel heavy in general. But I’m better really.”  
  
“Take the pill.” She eyes the nightstand. “You think you can shower too?”  
  
“Yeah, that’s… that’ll be refreshing.”  
  
“Okay. I’ll be downstairs.”  
  
“Lisa?”  
  
“Yeah? You need anything?”

“It’s Wednesday today.”

“And?”  
  
“You have work.”

“Not today.”  
  
She breathes in to say something but Lisa doesn’t let her.  
  
“Go shower, yeah? Be careful. Shout, if anything.”

* * *

Lisa lays out the cutlery on the table and centers the bowl of avocado rice and pollack roe between them. It takes lots of glancing at the door and rearranging of the fork on her side of the table before Jennie comes in with her hair still wet.

“You’ve— _cooked_ ?” Jennie’s a bit taken aback, her mouth going a perfect circle while she breathes out a soft _oh._

“Why so surprised…” she smiles. “I cook well, don’t I? Not as good, but I think this is edible. I tried a very good recipe, so I have faith in it.”

Jennie looks at the laid out table, then back at her, then at the table, and doesn’t know what to say.

“Come sit?”

The food turns out great, and somewhere between taking the last bites off of it and Lisa’s extra serving landing on her plate again while she also takes care of stopping any potential objections, Jennie’s illusions come flooding back. She’s weak after all. Maybe this is how it’ll turn to the better? Maybe she was foolish to give up. Maybe everything works out and the wound in her heart heals with no scars…

Lisa doesn’t leave the house that day and they end it with a funny movie.

Jennie wakes up on the couch, wrapped away in a blanket the next morning, and it feels like she could finally sleep without interruptions. Lisa left a text that Seungcheol called and she had to leave for the office. She added she’d try to be early today. It feels nice to have a note from her. So she opts for the leftovers from yesterday and kills time with a book or two.

Lisa comes home later than expected but it’s not as late as the times before, so Jennie’s feeling okay about it. Lisa on the other hand feels rather disturbed and in her head, and she seems not to be able to make much eye contact? Jennie suggests that they repeat the movie night from yesterday to dispel the heavy atmosphere.

At some point through the movie, Jennie feels Lisa staring at her and she glances down to meet her gaze that feels heavy. She’s distracted by the bluish hues that seem to have enveloped them both. It’s when Lisa reaches up to cup her chin that she realizes her eyes are darker and the same heavy look that seemed to drape over her skin is still there. Jennie’s absolutely startled to say the least. They haven’t done anything like that for… ages? Lisa looks at her hands then into her eyes for a brief millisecond and then she kisses her neck, the sensitive skin right under her jawline that sends a shiver down her back. It starts slow, like she’s learning how to touch her all over again, but Jennie is ready to give her all the time. Lisa bites into the flesh, before pulling away and kissing the same spot, making it burn. She pulls away, looking into Jennie’s eyes “I’m sorry,” before she’ll leave a small kiss on her cheek.

“What for?” Jennie interrupts.

“For being late today.” She points out, leaning in to plant a soft kiss on her lips that feels hesitant.

Jennie’s feeling weak in the knees, that’s all she chooses to focus on. Except this doesn’t seem right at all, doesn’t _feel_ right. She’s been trying her damnedest to push the memory of the bar far back into the recesses of her brain since yesterday but Lisa’s kiss right now snatches it back from oblivion and makes her deal with it. She knows she has to, at some point, and it better be now than later, when she’s gotten used to _this_ , too. So she gently pulls away, her hand on Lisa’s heart.  
  
Lisa didn’t expect this so she has a look of confusion imprinted on her face, while she’s still leaning in, as if ignoring Jennie’s gesture.

“Hey, wait up.”  
  
“Mmm?”  
  
“We have to talk, Lisa.” With this, Lisa’s thrown back into reality herself, and she just goes back to avoiding her eyes and just looking at her hands instead.  
  
“What is this?”  
  
“What?” she looks to the side.  
  
“This. This whole thing, Li” Words seem too loud, she’s whispering. Lisa won’t look at her, so she tries better.

“Why are you feeling guilty?” This forces Lisa to look up and divert her gaze again in a second, like a broken magnet. She only manages to sigh.

“Why, Lisa. Talk to me now, yeah?”

“Because I… am?” It sounds more like a question but that’s just because her voice has lost its stability, and not because she’s doubting it.

“What are you feeling guilty about?”  
  
“You don’t even drink during wedding ceremonies.”  
  
“That’s your biggest concern? A drink wouldn’t have killed me, Lisa, you shouldn’t beat yourself against walls for it..”  
  
“You had cooked an Everest of cookies that would feel all hospitals of this city the other day… And you’re not going to work, and you haven’t been meeting your therapist, and—”  
  
“Stop it, Lisa.”  
  
“And you stop pretending.” She mumbles under her nose.

“No, _you_ stop pretending.” Lisa doesn’t have anything to add to that.  
  
“I wanna know what’s going on.” 

She doesn’t say anything.

“It didn’t feel like anything. Your kiss. Not back at the bar and not a minute ago, Lisa. Why’d you even kiss me?”

Lisa’s face scrunches, eyes glossing over with a tinge of hurt. Jennie can’t keep still anymore, she sprints from the couch and starts pacing around like a cat. This makes Lisa get up too but she leans onto the armchair for balance.  
  
“What’s going on?! I don’t know, is there someone else?” 

“Have you gone mad?”  
  
“No just tell me right? I’ll understand if there is, I really will. I just need you to tell me. Just tell me, okay? I really will—”

“It’s not that.” Her voice drops.  
  
“Then what is it, Lisa? Tell me! This is actually driving me crazy, what is it!”

“It’s just— Arghhh.”  
  
“Look at me.” She steps closer, trapping Lisa with the move. Lisa stands to face her.  
  
Lisa nods slowly, mouth opening to try and talk but resorting to closing it again.  
  
“What is it, Lisa. You know it’s time. Just tell me yeah? Please.” She’s whispering again.  
  
“It’s—” Jennie nods along urging her to continue.

“It’s— I just don’t feel it anymore.” Lisa bites into her bottom lip, trying to keep herself from crying but it leaks out eventually, her grip on the back of the couch a little too hard. 

And that’s it for Jennie. The big fat full stop at the end of her story; incarnate in Lisa’s words. Her shoulders drop and something changes in her brain. Her ears get clogged with static, too.  
  
“I don’t know where it disappeared. I just— I really don’t know. I still care about you a lot, Jennie, and I want you to be healthy?” Her voice breaks again, her face along with it, “...and happy. But I can’t seem to give you that happiness. Not anymore. I didn’t wanna hurt you. I’m so… sorry.”

Jennie hasn’t been listening for quite awhile now. All she hears is the piercing static puncturing her ears right now.

“I’m so sorry this happened… I’ve been hating myself about it but it just doesn’t seem to be there anymore? My days have lost their spark and everything is boring and mundane and dull, every other day seems to be a repetition of the previous one, it’s like a swamp, and I don’t want you to feel the same way anym— Jennie?”

“Okay. Okay. Okay” She seems to be in some sort of trance, her gaze high up on the empty upper corner of the wall.

“Please.” Lisa herself doesn’t know what she’s asking for.  
  
“I’ll just—” She storms out of the house. The door thuds closed with finality that leaves Lisa unmoving. She doesn’t know what to do inside four foreign walls closing in on her right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, it's the pretense of it all that keeps us rooted, even if deep down we already know. It's what keeps us hoping. Or maybe... we're just too stubborn not to care? In the hopes that if we ignore it enough and work hard enough everything goes back to what it used to be? Thoughts? 
> 
> Also, what do you guys think should be this chapter's title? 
> 
> Hope everyone's safe and cheers to another week ahead of us! ♥


	7. VII. Quite Foreign

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes when it gets a little too much, things get more and more blurry and they end up feeling new and foreign. Don't they?

* * *

* * *

https://youtu.be/2E3li83lEJc

She’s jerked awake from the loud thud and heavy footsteps coming from the front door. She barely manages to get a glance from her spot on the couch when she sees Jisoo walking over with an empty expression and somehow it boils up confusion inside her instead of annoyance. 

“Uhh Jisoo?” 

She waits for a full beat and gets nothing, not even a glance her way. 

“Hey, I didn’t know you were coming over today? Jennie didn’t say–”

The words seem to fall away at once, and Lisa pushes herself off the couch. It’s kind of weird how similar, yet how different both Kims can be when she sees Jisoo heading straight for Jennie’s room. The confusion bubbles over into realization and it hits her hard, she almost stammers for a second. 

“Hey Chuu… What’re. What are you doing?” She still doesn't look her way, as if Lisa's invisible. The events of last night dawn on her as if from nowhere, and her breath hitches a bit for some reason.

"Fuck."

Jisoo finally spares her an ignorant glance but it doesn't stay on her, rather travels on the half empty bottles on the table, and all Lisa can detect on her face is _disgust_. She shakes her head and storms toward the bedroom.

"Is she okay?!"

"DON'T YOU EVEN DARE TALK TO ME ABOUT HER." Her voice is gruff and serious. Scary, to the least.

She pulls at the closet a little too roughly, pulling a duffel bag next and throwing it on the bed. Lisa’s watching it all, transfixed, a little too stuck, eyes darting over the clothes and the floor of her bedroom. Jisoo’s taking coats, and shirts off the rack and pushing them carelessly into the bag, stuffing it with any piece of clothing she manages to put her hand on. 

"Wait, no no no, what are you doing?" She's suddenly brought back into reality again.

"Are you blind?!"

"No, I mean. Why are you taking her clothes?"

"Are you absolutely stupid or what? Don't behave like an asshole with me, I'm not Jennie, I'll kick your ass, Manoban."

"Wait wait wait. You shouldn't take anything with you, it's all her things—." With that, Jisoo stops whatever she was doing, steps back, takes an exhale and approaches her sharply.

"Know your fucking place, Manoban. I'm taking what's my sister's, and you're not the one stopping me after everything you've done to her. You won't be digesting all the hurt you've caused her by the way, know that. I just don't have the nerve for your shows at the moment. Get out of my way." It's almost horror-worthy how she's looking straight into her eyes while spitting annoyed bars her way.

"No… No, I mean _I'm_ the one who must leave the house. She has to stay." Jisoo's face loosens a few muscles at that and she steps back again.

"That, Manoban, is not my business. Tell her _yourself_. I'm just making sure she has a change of clothes around." With that, she leaves.

Lisa follows her steps, "Just.. tell her, okay?"

She sticks out her middle finger in response before shutting the door on Lisa’s face.

* * *

Jisoo pushes the duffel bag onto the back seat, taking one quick mental note that she has everything with her before taking the driver’s seat. She takes another glance at the bag, then at the house across, and takes another deep breath. Somehow seeing it there just drives the point home that whatever happened last night wasn’t something she dreamt about.

_There’s faint knocking on her door and if it weren’t for turning the TV off, Jisoo wouldn’t have heard it from all the rain. She looks at the time and gets ready to curse whoever it is while she walks toward the door. She opens the door to her soaked-to-the-bone cousin, whose makeup has apparently smudged off from all the crying she did._

_"Jendeug?" She's shocked seeing Jennie like that, and judging by how well she knows her, Jisoo's anger is already boiling over._

_Jennie's hugging her own arms while shivering as she takes a half step into the hallway and falls into her arms, "Jisoo…"_

A car honk in the distance takes her off her thoughts and she blinks real hard to clear her mind off the image. She shakes off whatever it was and starts the car.

* * *

The first thing that hits her is the silence and the subtle clank of keys that scrape against the door and into her pocket. She walks over to the kitchen counter to grab a glass of water and cool down. Her mind's been foggy the whole week. 

Her glance settles on the table where it feels a little too empty and bare. Maybe if she were too honest or brave, she'd realize she doesn't like the house _without_ her. She settles on the thought that she doesn't like everything _related to_ the house instead. It’s subtle, how it ticks something inside her, how after a week of heavy drinking and not deciding on hitting _Call,_ she’s dialing, in less than a minute, familiar and memorized digits into her phone. 

Jennie turns the tap off and gently pats the towel to her skin. Looking into the mirror has been a swallowing experience lately. Like she gets stuck in the depths of that shallow surface. She takes a quick glance at herself before she walks out into Jisoo’s guest bedroom where she’d been staying the past few days. It feels quite foreign, how it registers a little too late how the bed covers look different and why most of the things in front of her don’t match up to what she has back home. She hears her phone ringing, and it’s more than enough to get her attention on the bedside table where she left it.

The yellow heart that pops up on the screen doesn’t make sense. It does, really, in a mundane way. She knows what it means: she’s calling her… the _why_ isn’t making any sense at all. It takes her a couple of seconds to realize the ringing has stopped. She wonders if it was by mistake. She gets a text "Please answer." And the phone rings the second time around. She takes the call.

"Hello"

"..." Silence on the line.

"Lisa." Sounds so weird saying it aloud in a long time.

"Hey.."

"Hey."

"..." 

"Yes?"

"I, uhm, wanted to tell you— how are you?"

"I'm doing okay, thanks."

"..."

"You?" Gets her by surprise for some reason. She hasn't been thinking about the question for a while. Or maybe it's all she's been preoccupied with.

"Uhm, I'm doing fine, too."

"Good."

"..."

"..."

"I was gonna ask you— I think you should come back." For a moment, Jennie's heart skips a beat and it feels like she can point exactly where it is in her chest.

" _I'm_ the one that shouldn't be here."

_Oh_.

"I mean I know how much you love the place and… you should live here. Yeah. That's what I wanted to say. I think."

"Where would you go?"

"Oh, I mean. I don't know, back to my place? Or Rosie's, I don't know…"

"Okay." She sounds blunt.

"Come tomorrow? I'll make sure to be gone to work by then, don't worry." She thinks she's heard a sigh, but she's not sure.

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Sleep well, Lisa."

"Yea, you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How is everybody? 
> 
> There's just something in pain eh? Sometimes it gets too much, we all develop a certain numbness to it. To a point where it makes us feel alienated to the feeling itself. How ... oddly amusing, or not? What do you think? I'm curious to know. 
> 
> The year is almost drawing to a close and this year has been one of the longest yet shortest one I've ever lived through. Not that that even makes sense cause right now most of the things happening don't, but there's always a lot going on on the background though yeah? The little things. A cup of ice cream on a hot day, warm soup that tickles the nose on a rainy night, a good series to binge on, a text message from that special someone, someone you don't know so much asking you how you really are, and someone just listening. 
> 
> It's the little things that count, those brief moments where we feel inexplicably happy. Hold on to those, they'll make the rest of the year worthwhile and bearable. You're doing such a great job :)♥
> 
> Stay safe everyone!


	8. VIII. If My Heart Were a Box

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it feels just like that, most of the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://youtu.be/pN2kVgQh5N4

* * *

* * *

Her hands are cold and they're choking the steering wheel, knuckles white against dark, supple leather. It's been a little over an hour since she left Jisoo's place with an almost migraine from the constant nags that she's probably going to make another mistake, and that it wasn't worth it, that she could just go back when Lisa's no longer there. _It's easier that way_ , she said. It's never easy, Jennie thinks. 

She stays, _for just another minute,_ she tells herself. It'll be quick, she says again; muttered real quick before she takes another deep breath. Another minute goes by, and another, and another. She loses count and somewhere along the eight or ninth minute she's still gripping the wheel. A shiver runs down her back, tiny pinpricks that make her glance at her watch. 

_Fuck._

It’s like time has stopped for her. It takes most of her energy to pull away from the wheel, run her fingers on the handle for a brief second, and let out the breath she'd been keeping.

She should go. 

She should, except she doesn't. 

Hand falling to her side, the other hastily running through her hair. Maybe Jisoo was right, maybe she should've waited till eight and left then, or maybe for once she should just listen to herself. 

She takes another deep breath that shakes. She should've left the heaters on. _She should've gone out and walked in,_ goes unsaid. 

Maybe she could drive around the neighborhood for half an hour or so and be back after. She reaches for the ignition, only her hand stays halfway in the air. She glances at the watch again; it’s too late. She’ll be out in a minute.

Lisa's dragging the weight of her suitcases a little unevenly on the sidewalk, and Jennie knows she packed a little too much on one and not enough on the other again. She doesn't realize she's balling her fist, nails digging into the palm of her hand leaving little crescents. She continues to watch Lisa lift one after the other on to her car. It’s both painful and kind of relieving, watching her unnoticed, from afar. She doesn’t anticipate it becoming a habit.

She counts three minutes. Three minutes from car to front door, and she wonders how many would it take for her to walk back? How many more before Lisa leaves again, entirely.

Her hands reach for the steering wheel out of instinct, partly because she knows she's digging into the skin a little too deep. 

It's five minutes after that Lisa finally walks out, and she's holding in another breath trying to sear that image into her memory. She sees Lisa stall, and for a moment her breath staggers out. Completely breaking out in a whimper when Lisa glances back, staring at the house, and a part of her crumbles. It takes two full minutes before Lisa turns away, gets inside the car and drives off as Jennie shuts her eyes close. 

She stays, for a while. Gaze heavy on their front door, and trying to even out the sob that gets caught inside her throat. 

It's when her fingers shake, and when they're numb that she pulls her gaze away. They're a little paler when she reaches to open the door and reach for her bag from the back seat. 

* * *

She opens the door with her pair of keys and gets lost in the heaviness of it all. She throws the keys into the little bowl, and when it doesn’t ring in her ears because Lisa’s pair is missing, she knows it’s different. It’s gonna be different from now on. Every day. She gets carried away with the thought until it blurs her vision. She drags her bag silently and throws it on the couch. It looks weird against the mustard yellow of the covers. Somehow, she knows it doesn't really belong there. 

The silence gets too unbearable, like a hand wrapped tightly on a wrist. Leaving searing imprints on skin. 

She takes another glance at the coffee table briefly; wondering why Lisa didn't bother to take her book before she drops herself on one arm of the couch. Exhausted.

Her eyes travel the length of their wall; knows exactly what she'll see but does it anyway. The one photo they took of each other in front of the Eiffel tower, another, of their favorite coffee shop. She stares for a bit, before she settles on the snow-globe. For a minute she sees Lisa's smile and snow. Back in Paris. 

Another shiver pulls her away, makes her look at the pillows by Lisa's side of the couch and sees it unmade. The air feels thick and she's having a hard time breathing through evenly. Lisa's there and not there at the same time. She's here and not, and that makes her smell lilies and apricot in the air. Drowning the stifling sob that she manages to swallow for the nth time today.

She figures it's the cold that's making her dizzy, or maybe she's thirsty, or she has to turn the heater up. She blanks for a minute before she decides to walk over to the counter. 

Watches until the water fills the glass and spies the little note taped on the fridge:

The paper feels small in her hands. She leans above the counter, her body curving towards the note, thinking that being closer to this piece of paper will bring her closer to Lisa, sobbing until the letters are blurry and the words run over each other with tears, ink spreading out. 

* * *

  
  


"You really left?" Chaeyoung's voice is heavy with almost evident accusation.

Her silence is enough of an answer.

Chaeyoung turns away to glare at her reflection on her own car window on the other side of the line, muttering curses under her breath and hitting the dashboard with her elbow, startling her driver a little.

Partly out of overwhelming frustration. 

"We talked about this." Chaeyoung tries again, and Lisa hears her. Just doesn't think that warrants an answer either. 

"Seriously? You're just going to give all of that up? Just going to walk away this easily?" _Easily_ , her voice echoes in Lisa’s ear.

Lisa's grip on the steering wheel tightens, eyes searching for something, she’s not sure what.

"Ahh, what am I even trying to do here, you're stubborn as fuck. Let's just say you're trash, Lisa. Leaving her like that. Stinky as fuck. At least have the decency of explaining what's what and helping her digest just a little before shutting her off your life completely? Who are you? You've been together for YEARS, Lisa, YEARS." Chaeyoung mutters something incoherently, fumbles with the door of her car and manages to budge it open, not registering the thud of it behind her. She doesn't expect any reaction when she adds, "Hope it won't be too late for you when you finally get in your right mind about this sooner than later...I got to work, hanging up. —You know what? She doesn't deserve that, you should pull yourself together." And there’s static after.

“You’re _trash_ Lisa” rings in her ears until—

 _Fuck_. 

She remembers empty and half-empty bottles she left in the kitchen in a hurry, the trash she forgot to take out from last night. How pathetic. And impolite, to say the least.

She looks at the watch, figures she probably still has some time before Jennie comes by.

* * *

She stops midway, keys dangling. 

The door's open. 

She tries to think back to half an hour ago, remembers closing and locking them. Remembers pocketing her copy of the keys, and trying the handle a second time to make sure they're locked.

Does that mean she’s back already? How inconvenient. Does she just leave? But then again, it’s fucked up to leave your trash after you like that. Maybe she’ll just casually get in and say she forgot something and do it all fast and unnoticed without pulling on any strings.

Her steps are tentative and light. Eyes quick to scan for anything that looks like the trash bag she left there and sees _her_ there. 

By the counter.

Sees the same piece of paper she wrote on this morning between her hands, and Lisa almost stumbles in place. Sees the tears and her shoulder shake in quiet sobs.

She leans on the doorframe, caving in. A dull kind of emptiness is there, and she's crying along with her for some reason, she doesn’t know why. Silently.

If she knew this would make her break apart like that, she wouldn’t leave anything. She wants to look away, but can't. 

Not after five minutes. 

Not after five minutes does she pull her eyes off of her and walk out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone's enjoying the week. Stay safe and warm ♥

**Author's Note:**

> hi, so this happened cause well it happens I guess. Maybe buckle up for a very angsty ride for this one. :D
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope everyone's having a wonderful week so far, looking forward for everyone to have an amazing weekend ahead. Stay safe guys! ♥
> 
> for everyone asking about FY update -- that's ending soon and I haven't had the chance to completely grasp that thought yet which is why it's on hiatus, I have some written down for the last chapters and will be posted soon. Thank you!


End file.
